The boy who screwed......his exam

I am waiting for the invigilator to hand the question sheet over to us. As I wait, for him to do so, a nagging thought haunts my already exhausted brain. "Have I done enough?" was what i kept on asking myself. I recollected the events of the last few days. We had a three day holiday (Good Friday + weekend) before our maths and chem exams. I remember how I resolved to use the first two days for chem and the remaining day for maths. I remember that every time I sat down to read the writings of Mr. Boyd and Mr. Lee, I would either doze off or end up doing something totally unrelated, to which cause my laptop contributed a lot ( I know its time I introduce you common folks to her (yeah! It's a 'she'!), but I have been postponing it to a more opportune moment (read I am too lazy to write about her) ).
The invigilator hands out the paper with a broad smile, reminding me of an evil alter ego of Santa Claus handing out doom and despair. I receive the paper with a mechanical smile. I go through the questions.
"Hmmm....Doesn't seem so tough."
"Ah! Vaska's complex!! I'm sure I know that one. I just went through it before the exam."
"Let me try to recollect it....Brain do your thing!!"

Several seconds later.....

"I'm sure I read it! What the hell is it?"

As is sit on the bench, trying to recollect question after question, it seemed futile, just like chasing a mirage. It seemed as though all memories of chemistry had been pushed deep into my sub conscience or worse......deleted. I manage to scribble down some answers to a couple of no-brainers which I hoped would elevate my marks to a decent two digits. And with ten minutes left for the bell, I have successfully not solved the last question.
As I come out of the hall, I see a lot of happy faces. I hear words like 'easy', 'peace max' floating around. Some of them ask me how the paper was. I feel like bashing their skulls on to the wall next to them, but I resist this sudden urge, and manage to utter one single word - "Bad".

"Bad"

One of the biggest understatements to slip the tongue of a human being. I don't feel the emotions that I should feel. I feel a certain numbness, the reason for which I can't begin to fathom. Then as I cycle to the hostel, I think of some of the questions and the answers start flowing automatically. I can't help but feel a little bit amused at the timing.
How can someone who once was so sure that he had answers to all the questions, now become like this? As I enter my room, I decide to record this memory somewhere and what better place than my own blog?

42....the answer to life?? Bullshit!!

What makes a person blog about himself at 3.30 in the morning, knowing full well that he has an exam the next day? The same reason he gets out into the moonlight, cycles 10km and back with only the moon and the stars for company. The same reason he wears jeans to bed. The same reason he keeps running away from life, but ultimately falls prey.

The reason?.....Confusion?

Why is life so confusing? why so many languages? why all this competition? Where does all of this lead to?

The answer?.....There is no answer.


Why do we compete against each other? Is it an inborn craving to be better than someone else?
Or is it a quality that we have been taught from birth?
As these questions form in the mind of this writer, an answer pops into his head. An answer that he has been given all his life for questions like these.

"That's the way life goes".

hmm....sounds reasonable enough. Alright, lets move on.

WAIT JUST A DARN MINUTE!!! That made absolutely no sense!!!

As I listen to a lil bit of Lily Allen on my beut of a laptop (more on that later), an outrageous thought starts forming in my brain. As mankind discovered fire, did he unwittingly open a Pandora's box? Is progress really a boon? Is this what we really want to be doing? As our civilization advances, so does our lust for more. Lust for more than what we have. Lust for what others have that we don't. It consumes us, like a fire, but we are just fuel to it. As it claims victim after victim, it only burns fiercer. It is, as clichéd as it may sound, a vicious cycle. Every step we take in the path of progress, we draw a step back from our inner instincts.

As we are drawn into this rat race from such a young age, we don't know a life outside it. How many amongst you can genuinely say that when you look at the stars, you feel free without remorse. Honestly, I can't lay claim to the previous statement. Infact, I feel saddened as a vision of me lying down in a never ending prairie with absolutely nothing to do flashes in my mind. I used to feel guilty as this very thought of bliss, but not anymore. I feel saddened at the life that i could never have.

Nobody to judge you, or your actions. No green eyes, staring at you. No tyranny. No need to fight anyone else. No need to fight yourself.

I do realise that this vision is absolutely impossible to achieve, but we can atleast follow our inner voice instead of becoming self aware once in awhile. Like riding about 20 km at 2:30 in the morning just because you want to feel the cool wind against your face. I did not do this because i was confused, far be from it, i did it because i just wanted to do it.

Ramblings of a die-hard poet and a film buff

"Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings"

These were the very famous words of a very famous poet - William Wordsworth.

It is my notion that poetry is a snapshot of your emotions and feelings at that time on paper. It can contain your happiest moments and your darkest fears. It can be about love or it can be about hate. It can be anything you want it to be but it is poetry only if it is a reflection of what you feel at the time. These were the very few rules I had for my poems. People write diary entries or blog about things which happen in their lives. I do neither of these. Instead I write poems.

There are movies to stimulate our senses and there are movies which talk to us. The latter is what makes the movies really magical and is to what i will be referring to from hereafter. Although most of the characters might be exaggerated there are very few characters with whom you can relate to. Although this relation might be absolutely fantastical and defies all logic, you still do relate them. Sometimes you can relate even to the most absurd of characters like The Smurfs or Michael Jackson ( ughh!!! I hope not ) but the decisions which he/she makes and the relationships he/she seems to have with the other characters seems perfectly logical even in the most bizarre or corniest of environments.

I saw one of these magical movies some time back. Stardust. I am pretty sure that nobody has heard of this movie as it is one of the most overlooked films of the year ( It even won an award for it!! No Kidding!! ). Although the story synopsis made the film sound very kiddish, boy am I glad I watched this one. The reasons to why I liked this film so much as I did are many but as I don't want to narrate the Ramayana and the Mahabaharatha right now, I shall let the reader have the privelege of letting them know that I have decided to skip ahead.

The reason for this post is to prove to the reader that sometimes even the most bizarre or silly events may bring back powerful recollections of emotions from the past, which is the reason I am posting this poem of mine written about two years back.

Fallen Star

Soft is the stars’ whisper
Gentle is the candle’s prayer
The sky below
The planets above

Stuck in an emptiness
You brought me here
And left me alone
Ripped apart by the cosmic void

Like a meteorite’s impact
Swift as a falling star
A dance of the moon
Was all we had

A galaxy apart now
But the stars still shine
They never stop, never did
The candle has dimmed
But it still glows

A step at a time
To the gates of infinity
Where we would meet
Once again.